Saving

I went into a store the other day to buy new shoes. I hate shopping. In addition to the shoes, I got a pair of pants and three shirts, all to return to work after four weeks of medical absence. I hate shopping.

But let me ask your opinion. Is it okay to wear brown with black? I could not remember while I was in the store. I called nearly every woman on the planet, at least the ones whose numbers are in my phone. Finally, I reached my daughter, Hannah, who was in NYC with her grandparents at that moment.

“Hannah, I need some fashion advice. Is it okay to wear brown with black?”

“WHAT?” she replied. Not “what?” as in “I can’t hear you, Dad,” but “what?” as in, “Are you retarded, Dad?”

After she laughed at me, I quickly ran back to the shirt section and dropped the two brown shirts I was carrying – before the whole store erupted in hideous womanly laughter at my expense. I picked out green, black and burgundy shirts instead. They definitely go with black.

Having escaped the men’s department unnoticed, I stood in line as the heavily makeup-clad 60-something cashier asked each customer in turn, “Do you have a store credit card?”

“Yes, here it is.”

“Do you have a store credit card?”

“Yes, here it is.”

“Do you have a store credit card?”

“Yes, here it is.”

“Do you have a store credit card?”

“Nope.”

That was me. I don’t have a store credit card.

“Do you want to apply for one and save 20% off your purchase today?”

“Nope.”

That was me again.

“You don’t?”

“Nope.”

What did she not understand about “Nope” the first time?

“That will be $83.27.”

“Here’s my non-store debit card of choice.”

The lovely cashier watched me with suspicion as she bagged my items. (The lovely bag watched me as she cashiered my suspicious items.) She lifted the bag toward me as if it contained a barely breathing fetus and disdainfully muttered, “Thank you. You saved $109 today.”

Now stop right there. I spent $83.27. I didn’t save anything! This woman obviously did not understand the difference. Perhaps the 15 pounds of rouge on her cheeks was causing her brain to sag. How does she figure I saved anything? Okay, the items I bought were on sale. Maybe at full price I would have paid $109 more. (Not really. I wouldn’t spend that much on clothes!) But I didn’t save anything! Where is the $109 dollars? Is it in my savings account? Nope. There’s only $15.54 in there. Why do I even have a savings account? I never have anything to put in it. Does anyone these days have anything to save? I want the $109 that plaster face told me I saved! Boy, scrape all that clay off her face and you could make a life-sized statue of David, something like this.

I don’t know. The whole little exchange just annoyed me. The only thing that was saved was a bit of my fashion dignity by avoiding brown with black. (Thank you, Hannah.) I’m sure Lady Covergirl would have pointed that out when I got to the register.

“Do you have a store credit…. OH MY GOD! YOU’RE GONNA WEAR BROWN WITH BLACK?!”

Shut up, putty face.

Now I’m going to withdraw that $15 to get me through to next pay day. That’s a fair amount of pasta right there.